I have a hard time understanding how he can love me for how I look. Long story short, my first love has popped back into my life. The chemistry between us is undeniable. Dear More: Before this goes any further, make up your mind about what you want and need. Has HIS body changed over the last 20 years? Time is on your side. Box , Mount Morris, IL Shipping and handling are included in the price. Please enter the email address for your Disqus account to join the comments. You must be logged in as a subscriber to access the comments section.
Learn why. Please enter the email address for your Disqus account to join the comments Email Continue. Your access to the comments section has been restricted. Is this request for openness a round-about way of expressing dissatisfaction? A weekend away, a dance class, a vacation, a little role play? Is there a part of her she wants to let out but is afraid? Not to be cynical, but I almost wondered when I read your letter if she already had someone in mind.
You might want to have a serious talk with your wife or even seek some couples counseling to help her understand how unhappy this idea is making you, and how rattled and bewildered you are in light of it. I think you owe it to yourself, and the marriage, to do all you can to try and seek together, rather than separately, a solution or compromise that allows you both to find satisfaction; you have that rare successful marriage that has endured for many years, and that is definitely worth protecting. It would be tragic for it to slip away due to lack of understanding or withheld feelings or desires.
Thanks again for writing. Please fill out all required fields to submit your message. This has always seemed to me a way for some marriages to get into serious trouble especially when one partner wants this type of relationship and the other does not. Tread carefully my friend. Hi me and my wife have been married for 19 years and we started having a open marriage about 10 years ago and we still Love and respect each other but My question is my wife has a hard time talking about her fantasys or Sex in general we want to know if sex therapy would help her and me to talk and be more open with each other or would getting hipmatized would be a option and a better solution?
Thank you for your help. This is pretty dangerous territory if you ask me, particularly since you are not totally on board with the idea. We have this notion that a guy will always be open to a relationship like this but I think that some of the smarter ones like you see that this can be a real obstacle in even the strongest relationship..
I would be very scared if my husband came to me and wanted this if we had not always had this kidnd of relationship from the very beginning. I would definitely feel that I was not satisfying him in some way and that he was looking for another way to fulfill those needs but maybe trying not to hurt my feelings. There has to be something that that she is not sharing with you but if she is not willing to tell you with just the two of you on your own then it could be time to try a mediator to help out.
Anything that you can do to generate a conversation between the two of you would be helpful. It might not be the answers that you are looking for but knowing something is better than not understanding or knowing anything at all. I think that you realize that this is not something that you wnat to be a part of and I applaud you for hopefully finding the strength to stand you ground. I am sure that there are some marriages that work out just fine with this sort of arrangement but I know that this is not something that I would ever want for me and I could not be with anyone either who thought that this would be the ideal situation for them.
And what church is that may I ask? My wife is having these same feelings of open marriage…. Why does this have to be seen as only a negative thing? We are very strong together and I think that for the most part we have a loving and honest relationship with each other, sometimes better than the couples who say that they are monogamous but then around behind each others backs and have meaningless sex with strangers. For us it works, and I think that there are a lot of couples who would actually benefit from this set up.
Hey Clausen, I was wondering if you were still on here, I would love to chat with you and ask some questions. I agree with you. My wife and I have an open marriage and the only concerns we have is regarding our safety and health. Joseph, does your marriage feel more solid to you and your wife with the support that sexual friendships with others provides? I ask because all that I find about life-long polyamory families points to much more marital security with the added intimacy of members who know each other as committed sexual friends. The two reactions appear to result from the responses to the communal life by their birth mothers, who raised each child.
This point of fatherhood in your own case is the main reason I ask about your wife and you sharing other lovers. If you have a baby fathered by one of her lovers, can you love this child as your own, and will both yours and her lovers share the parenting as a caring family? I have four children and their children, and their children.
Hopefully I will have two or more ladies join me for a caring, strong polyamory family to be the parents, grand parents and great grandparents our children deserve. This is my main reason to follow this fascinating thread of honest sexual inquiry into a better and stronger form of sexual family relationships. Both of my marriage experiences where built on jealousy, and the more I discover about jealousy the more I see how it damages relationships, sex, and marriages.
Good job! Get married and you may find yourself eating those words. There are couples who so desperately want to succeed in their new venture of having an open relationship that they try to sell their choice like a product and offer to others that this lifestyle is a healthy way to remain married. It is obvious to a relationship expert such as myself that they are trying to force themselves to believe the choice they made is healthy by advertising it to others in a desperate attempt to be validated.
There are satisfied swingers here and other places online who share their mutual love for sex with other committed lovers that apparently your bias ignores. Do go deeper into this before making blanket judgement. ClaudeA: Your remarks are easily as biased as any that Lana has made. Every couple is different and to suggest that Lana is not enlightened because of your bias is ridiculous. Tolerance works both ways. Both groups try to validate their format-the monogamous as well as the non-monogamous.
If that were true, then the same could be said for monogamous married couples. Non-monogamy works for some folks, but not for others. Just let people do what works for them. Claudia, I failed in my haste to qualify the comment. It is not my view but a cut and paste of a comment from another site that i had read. It was more of a Just Saying piece. But the follow up comments are rather precise. You and everyone who agrees with you is right and all others are wrong.
Your Welcom. You have been married for 17 years and she has been reading about it and her friend does it as well and seems to work for her? Idk if you have Christian beliefs or whatnot. I will say that God intended for one man and one woman to be united through him in marriage. That is the utmost sign of love and devotion to tie the knot for most people. Sex should be the the ultimate way to show that love and devotion to your spouse or significant other…not tread dangerous grounds and explore and be with other people.
Rules, times, promises to do this and that and deadline is not part of being married. The thought of me being with anyone else just devastates him as well as would devastate me. You are the man and do not go along with this. You two are married. You are the man. You stand by your beliefs and be strong.
Ask her if she still feels the same about them! Never, ever let another person invade what you two have made together for whatever reason. That is the devil! Keep him away from you and your wife as a man. If she still says she wants to do this, do not participate. I happen to have an awesome man and he would just vomit with the thought of that. Stand your ground…you are the leader as God intended and do not give in to this cuz if anything…this will definitely ruin your marriage in the long run. It will happen.
Even if you two agree and choose who. Please be strong and you are in my prayers. Physical intimacy is the worst betrayal you can have in a relationship. Consent or no consent. Sorry some may not agree with me…if you would know me and see me you would. I have a fair knowledge of marital records in the original Hebrew Scriptures that the writers of the Bible claim they translated accurately, but failed miserably to do so, and the One Who says He inspired ALL His Word plainly makes no preference for the marriage arrangements we people choose, but for one single thing that so far as I know, nobody keeps perfectly.
This fundamental requirement for marriage is Truth. In Christian monogamy marriage, the sole reason it exists is jealousy. The jealousy that hurts, is possessive, and worse, controlling of another. Find me any monogamy couple that is without any controlling jealousy and possessiveness. Another sad twist Christians make on their much maligned Bible is that it clearly details parental blood lines that follow the mother, not the father.
Making such a blanketed statement about Monogamous relationships just makes you seem like a non monogamous bigot. Just wanted to thank everyone here for their thoughtful comments. But I do think it a risky precedent to start looking for external remedies or emotional band-aids when the issue is really a problem that can be solved within the relationship.
And be careful what you wish for: any relationship, inside or outside a marriage, comes with its own risks and potential for complications — since, after all, another human being is involved! My wife of 15 years has hit me with the same bombshell. I have told her how i feel about it and how the fact that she wants it actually hurts me.
She also wants to have threesomes without me. We are going to marraige counciling but so far she is still saying that she wants it. I dont know what to do. I have asked her if its something that is missing in our relationship and she says no. She says that it is a fantasy of hers and the things that she wants to do would ruin her image of me so she wont even tell me what they are.
She says that she loves me and has absolutly no intention of leaving me. She says that she wants to grow old with me but at this point in her life there are experiences that she wants to have and her mind is set on doing them even if it means losing me. I dont want to lose her. This whole thing is killing me but not being with her anymore would be worse. Im actually thinking of just letting her do it and hope that she gets it out of her system soon.
If i tell her no she will do it anyways. My only options are to put up with it or divorce her. I cant live without her but im afraid that this will kill me anyways. My wife and I are mid thirties and she has brought up the possibility of open marriage for her only! Since we married she has stayed the same weight and still a knockout but I have put on some pounds and the sex drive has slowed.
Men are always coming on to her and she eats it up. She feels that life is passing her up and she loves all the attention of the men. She is adamant about the open marriage and her dating. I am willing to let her date and am hoping she will lose interest in that lifestyle. There maybe a dissatisfaction with that aspect of her life and not necessarily with you as her sexual partner.
You may want to ask her… Have does it make you feel to think of her being with someone else?
Have you allowed yourself to just think of her as a satisfied woman and using that to be a turn on to you, or to you both? In a marriage you must be willing to grow together, and that died not mean only in an intellectual way, but also sexually. Perhaps, your sexual repertoire is good, but she wants to get outside the box, and you are too afraid to go there with her. Trust, you may discover a completely new side to you, to her, and to both of you together. Georgi, Your loving statement makes good sense to me!
The one thing we hubbies have to give you precious wives is our confidence in your choice to be our wives! Read the comment Alex left here March 31st, ! This fact is stated over and over by mutually-sexual-sharing married spouses — their own sexual pleasures and love for each other deepens as they share sex and love with others both love.
The more people sharing all forms of love and care for each other the more caring love there is for each one? Makes good sense to so many people that trying to dismiss it is plain ignorant! Another way I am learning to see it is the religious and social systems that hammer us with their ideas of power and control and interpretations of values they assume are their right to impose on those they can establish power over. The church is notorious for going against the very book it claims is its role model!
If church members only begin to study all the deceptions the church plays on its members about sex and marriage, then honest people leave the church or demand its leadership support the entire scope of the book they claim to follow. Same for government. It needs to get out of the marriage business! Leave us alone, government! But there are real people on this thread who are seeking real advice. Leave her. She is killing you slowly.
Find somebody that actually deserves to be loved. Somebody better. I just started reading this and am facing identical situation, but with my husband wanting it. I have had the same thoughts as you did, 1 2 3. May I ask how it worked out? I am right in the middle and completely lost as to best course. Long story short, my wife fell in love with this creep, refused to work on our marriage and of course the guy bailed on her when his wife found out and it stopped being convenient for him.
I want to get away from her immediately, but with two kids at home there are no easy solutions. So beware — my life became a total nightmare with no end in sight. Working on the marriage is always the better solution. The simple fact is integrity. In his mind you just dump the whole family and retaliate, go find someone you use to hurt the one you love, and make an ass out of yourself in the process.
Janice, go back to Integrity. Center your heart and thoughts on that. Not that it becomes obsessive to demand anything, but that YOU become centered. YOU be the very same lover for your family that you were then. Be true to the one you were then, and share lovingly that you desire your lover do the same for himself. So, Janice, practice internal integrity this way, and DO the love from this base. It may not get you where you want so far as your marriage — relationship is two ways — but, you will know you are the best you can be for your family, including your lover, children, parents, community, and your own success in Life.
Roger, I shared with Janice the same as I share with you, now. Her response to Jen appears with yours. That is the man your wife imagined sharing her life with. People change, so centering on the Roger she assumed she would share life with may be a different Roger today. She may even help you! In any case, the same as I share with Janice, the Roger you are best for YOU is the Roger who is the same one your wife decided to share her life with. Some good things never change, especially when they are under duress to be altered by selfish and harmful pursuits.
Like with Janice, Roger, be the best you and no matter what may happen, the Roger you then are has integrity and simply, trustworthy love and Life values. One thing about lovers who are in love with integrity at the center, they face life choices and changes together, forming deeper bonds of their relationship, so that change adds to their family, not harm. My wife and I have been married for 12 years.
She hit me with this a few weeks back. I told her I was not comfortable with it. She asked if she could join Tinder to explore.
I said ok. She then started to talk to a guy on there that had done things like this with married women before. She told me she just wanted to have lunch with him. She then proceeded to have sex with this guy anyway, knowing that I was not on board with this whole idea. She says over and over that she loves me and it had nothing to do with me. But the betrayal is still there. Any advice anyone has would be great. Especially since she wants to continue to do this even though I am not on board with it.
She has destroyed all trust I had. When you focus on your love for each other, you can overcome everything in your relationship, even sex with others. Is anyone still discussing this issue? I have already told her no. I too cannot begin to think of a divorce. We have a 5 yr. I believe we will grow old together.
Dear Women I Haven't Slept With, Book One - Kindle edition by Bryant Buntin. Download it once and read it on your Kindle device, PC, phones or tablets. Dear Women I Haven't Slept With, Book Two - Kindle edition by Bryant Buntin. Its not easy being a scholarly professional trying to read an "Urban" novel.
Lord knows I could have divorced her by now. God will let her see her faults as the years go by. I must remain strong for my daughter and family. Stay strong. Your marriage was a certain way for years. It was the way You Both agreed to. Out of nowhere she demands a complete change. Make up your own mind. If nothing else beat her to the cheating life. Hire a good looking hooker. See if your wife is still happy with sharing. My wife and I have been together for almost two years now which I think makes this even worse. She argues with me that I am brain washed and need to not conform to the stereotypes of marriage being strictly between two people.
My greatest problem is someone else touching MY wife I cannot share. Yet its ether get being unhappy or me being unhappy and divorce is my very last option. Help me understand please!! Let her go. You were wrong 2 years ago. You will be happier sooner if you divorce her now rather than be tormented and take what scraps she may give you. Long term it will get worse because she is very unlikely to be dissuaded since she actually managed to make it an issue.
He thinks that normal life and stable relationship is boring. And he brought that up. I recently broached the idea of an open marriage with my husband. I was very nervous about bringing it up, afraid of hurting his feelings or having him perceive me the way so many men in this forum appear to have perceived their wives.
I feel like he truly understands who I am. Not just who we were when we got married, but how I have changed and that he has been an active, engaged participant in the evolution of our marriage. And lemme tell you men, any thoughts I had about testing the waters outside my marriage shrivelled up. I feel more intimate with him now than ever. And down the road, if the urge comes up on either side, I know we can talk about it without judgement or resentment or fear.
Do some searching. Hey, not the explorers fault! They did go in with open and honest intent. Even MORE amazing then the old ball and chain, eh? And since ultimately it worked out so well for them, really their spouse is better off since now THEY are free too even though they werent looking for that. For every story that ends like yours, there are more that go the other way. However, tell, please, how your experiences are now the very ones the entire rest of mankind must have in order to feel and experience good sexual and committed relationship? I am a husband of 17 years to my wife whom I adore and love very much.
As a bit of a twist on this discussion I was the one to suggest an open marriage. Previously my wife very honestly and openly discussed her desire to try new experiences.
If we enjoy the moments we are in, the small moments weave together into hours, days , weeks, months, etc. I miss the intimacy and the journey of experiencing life with someone. You're breathing in, your shoulders are relaxing, as always when we haven't done one of these guided meditations in a while, but you squeeze your butt cheeks together, and let them relax, so. Learn more. This should be interesting.
This initially took the form of a threesome as she wanted to include me in the experience. The first time was okay, but the second was a total disaster. After much hurt and disappointment on both sides, as it was clear I was not as secure in myself as I thought.
So after that experience and a lot of discussion it became clear that my wife still wanted and needed to explore and experience different sides of her sexuality and personality. Even though it caused a lot of pain and anguish for me, one thing became apparent. We were individuals when we met and had lost some of that when we became married and had a child. Life is too short to limit yourself to one person, and there is only so much that you can get from one person.
With this in mind that is why I suggested the open marriage, as the only other alternative would be divorce. And to my mind at the moment that is something I do not want. I hope and believe that I am not making a mistake, but I am willing to find out. The best thing for me at the moment, is to know that I am giving my wife the chance and freedom to explore. I have no doubt that she loves me deeply and her main motivation is to strengthen our relationship and bring us closer as we trust and respect each other for who we are. To the other men who have posted, I truly have experienced all that you have..
I am not trying to sell anything by any means, it has not been easy but maybe if you are really honest with yourself and put pride and jealousy on the shelf.. Hello Guy, I have read several threads here and your comments are interesting and insightful. Thank you! We are still friends, but it did do some damage to our relationship with our friends. Our husbands were actually closer before and are less so now. I think some of it irrepairable, unfortunately. Thru this, my husband had a trigger and has wanted an open marriage ever since.
I liked some parts, others not so much. He has been patiently and not so patiently waiting on me to come around. I have suggested baby steps like a threesome that is just meaningless with me there, but he now says he wants it all and the freedom to do it all with trust.
He has given me freedom and says it turns him on to see me turned on. Initially, he told me that was his main fantasy, to see me turned on, I am a key component. Well, I drug my feet and he now wants it all with and without me. We have a great sex life. I definitely would too. It is very threatening to me and I want to get past my fears or want him to get over this.
I want him to be happy. He has been my world for more than half my life. I do not want to live without him.
He is my best friend. I am his. How did you do it? How do you and your wife make it work? I would love to hear her side too. Your husband is lying through his teeth. His words and demands and his acts, as you related them, make this exceeding clear. His vows to you are not at the heart of his relationship with you, from your description. Look for the weakest argument he has little self defense to cover his illicit deception.
Be caring, respecting and gentle as you persist, making certain he is fully aware that you have unwavering love for him. Jen: Be true to yourself. Anything else will turn out to be quicksand — a slow tortuous death. His request and ultimatum are every bit as big a deal breaker and as outrageous as that. I hope r econsiders. Good luck. Hi Jeff, What I can say so far is that I have experienced more in 3 weeks than have in 3 or more years. In this time I have been challenged to trust without question,have open and honest discussions about everything no matter how difficult the subject and above all..
The decision to enter into an open marriage should not be taken lightly. Advice that I can offer from my experience id that you need to make sure that you are doing this for the right reasons, that is at least for me to strengthen and build on the love that you already share with your partner. For example a couple of our rules are.. I have not read this book yet but I fully intend to.
It sounds like a lot of work, I suppose it is initially but it does get easier and it is well worth it.. Another thing that you will need to get prepared for and comfortable with is that if you choose to use a dating site, your partner WILL get more attention than you…it is supply and demand there are a lot more men than women..
Benefits of an open marriage that I have found so far is that your relationship becomes stronger and deeper, you can both meet experience some wonderful people and have some really good times, you get to know yourself better…a lot better. A lot of people assume they are STI free…not always the case. There are a lot of resources on the net on the subject from people a lot more experienced than myself. For myself and my wife the experience has been truly wonderful and just gets better, yours may turn out to be as good or better it is entirely up to you and your partner.
I wish you luck and success in your decision. I hope I have helped you in some way. Definitely worth it. You know this. I have been with my partner for just 1 year. We met on a dating website and fell for each other instantly. He has revealed to me that he wants to try swinging as a couple. To me, this sends signals of him eventually wanting an open relationship. I truly believe that although sex can happen without the emotion attached, eventually, one of the parties will become emotionally attached.
I just think we are wired that way. I believe that if people want to have multiple partners, why not just stay single and not have to worry about the emotional attachment, jealousy, and the hurt that may be caused with sleeping around. We live in a day and age where having an affair etc is so in your face and temptation is hard to surpress. It seems that couples who do this have been together for years and are looking to rekindle that spark. I would appreciate any advice or opinions. Dear Karen, If you are not comfortable with him sleeping with another girl you can do it with another guy.
My wife and I have done this stuff for almost 30 years, I had no problem with jealousy because our rule was:. There is no romance between the man and my wife. No kissing like lovers, no sex without me there. Avoid missionary position as much as possible. My wife and I should have body contact any time they engage in sex. And more. Sometimes she even get as a christmas gift.
I completely agree with you.
Eventually an attachment will form as sex is the ultimate intimacy. Just my line of thinking. Hi Karen, First of all I can identify with where you are at, I was at a similar cross-roads in my marriage of almost 18 years. My circumstances and life are different to yours. However that said I believe I can offer some insight and limited advice on the topic, as I have experienced quite a bit in a short space of time.. You are very wise to approach this with caution, this is definitely something that needs to be discussed honestly and thoroughly.
What I would suggest be the first thing to be discussed is what is his motivation for moving towards swinging, what does he expect to get out of it for himself and how it would enrich the relationship you already have and does he feel there is anything missing. Maybe there are some clues in how these questions are answered as to what the driving force is, and in turn you might have a better idea on what the future may hold in terms of your relationship and moving forward. All of your concerns regarding jealousy, emotional attachment risk and not being able to watch your partner have sex with somebody else are very real things indeed, and I have had a taste of all of them..
These can bring out some very nasty situations if not handled carefully and quickly. I am not sure I have helped you that much but I can say your concerns are very valid, you need to see if you can find out and understand where your partner is coming from and why. You also need to do what is right for and what feels right for you without compromise.
All I can say is in my opinion you have so much more to learn from and experience with each other before moving toward anything else. Talk to your partner, if you have friends that are not judgemental and you trust, talk to them also. Get some different perspectives if you can. I hope that I have helped in some way and hope that you are able to work through this. Thank you for your reply and advice.
Basically, I have spoken at length with my partner regarding his reasons etc. He says that everything we do, we will do together and always be in the same room. He is 51 years old and also says that because of his age, he wants to experience things and have fun. I am 45 years old. He had previously been in sexless relationships and I also found out that he cheated which is a red flag as well. In the heat of passion and excitement, I may be into the swinging thing but I worry about my feelings and conscious afterwards.
I love him so much and he treats me like a princess. I want to be with him but my gut feelings are telling me otherwise. I sort of understand your situation being in a marriage for 18 years. Hi Karen, I can understand where your partner is coming from in a sense, he has got to a point in his life where he wants to experience new and exciting things. A lot of what you have written echoes a lot of what I was thinking and working through about 3 months ago, albeit not swinging with another couple but close enough. Like your partner my wife wanted to include me in her fantasy of having a threesome.
The first time was nerve racking but the other person was a slightly older than me and very personable as well as respectful to my wife and myself. I lost control of the situation due to inexperience and a false sense of duty not to spoil an experience for my wife.
This was a traumatic event I was literally in shock and it took me days to process and deal with feelings of hurt, anger with myself and resentment toward the other guy involved. Another thing I realised is that I was so connected to and in love with my wife, that I sacrificed my values and needs for her happiness… as I unknowingly over time had made her my only source of happiness and lost who I was along the way. I am not saying this as it is a bad thing it is just what happens when you focus all of your attention and affection on one person and they become your world.
The point I am taking the long way around to try and make is that there are a lot of variables and things can and do go wrong and can be at a cost. I suppose I am also validating your concerns about how you might feel and if this might weigh on your conscience afterwards. There are some positives and again this is just my experience so far, you can find out a lot about yourself..
I wish I had of been a bit stronger or stuck to my guns when things were getting a bit sketchy maybe I could have avoided some of the hurt and anguish. Disappointing someone is better than living with regret. But also temper that with listening to your heart. I have shared what my experiences have been as well as some of my opinions and views. I hope that some of this may be of help to you and your partner. My wife and I are Asian and most Asian man have very small manhood including mine. I love her so much that I can not imagine her not getting full sexual satisfaction the rest of her life with me.
A Couple of months after we got married, I bought a sex instruction video for us to learn about love making. Two years later we went to a sex toy store and met a well endowed white man who offered to let us use his manhood instead of a rubber and we accepted it. Since then my wife got to have sex with well endowed men several times a year. We have been married for 30 years now. My wife is so far one of the happiest wife among the Asian woman.
Our love have been very strong band. My wife and I shared a girlfriend for most of our 40 year marriage. We were a sexually faithful triad so there were never any issues of jealousy especially since we were all friends since we were kids. Our lifestyle put us into contact with many couples into various types of open marriages. They each started our saying that they had a strong marriage, trusted each other and had firm rules in place, and ended with bitter divorces because sex is called making love for very good reasons and there is always someone much better than you out there for your spouse to meet and fall in love with.
Multiple relationships are logistically and emotionally difficult. They are also very stressful because you always have to think about not doing anything to make the other person feel insecure or ignored. Eventually, people will choose one relationship even if it means compromising, to reduce their stress. When this occurs, the spouse will pick the best person. If that person happens to be richer, better looking, more compatible and better in bed than you, guess who they will pick to stay with.
It was almost a cliche that all of the 8 couples we knew with open relationships ended with one or both of the spouses running off with their lovers. All the logic and reasoning that goes into trying to convince your spouse is nothing more than wanting sex with others without feeling guilty about it. It never is that your spouse wants someone more financially sound or someone that is better looking, smarter, more educated, better dresser, etc.. It is about wanting sex with others plain and simple and yet people try to dress it up by using fancy titles for it.
There are 4 billion people on the planet. Sooner or later the odds will indicate that a more appealing partner will be found. I completely disagree with your statement that we All want to share intimacy with our friends. Perhaps Some do. Speaking for myself, I require a lot of alone time and could never share so much with so many.
I think you as well as I project a bias towards our own beliefs. I had a wife who had a month long fling that started while on a vacation. I found out and she pulled the same open marriage request theme. I found this to be an excuse and an attempt to gloss over her blatant disrespect for our marriage. We took vows. I really meant them. Why be married if you want to share intimacy with others? Be single and share to your hearts content. I have no problem with that for others but it cannot be part of my relationship.
Thank you, Lucasred. Sharing insight from your relationship expectations and then experiences clears up a bunch of the reasons lying under the comments and responses that you leave here to many posters. It is the central theme of expected married life for usually both individuals. When real Life comes along, the staid expectation hits snag after snag, and gets lots of encouragement to change.
May I ask you to go watch this presentation about the staid way we people get stuck on preconceptions and staid expectations at a TEDs meeting? Can you see how vulnerable to damage your heart is with the staid expectations that you share here, Lucasred? Actually, by the words you share all over the place here, it is clear that your heart suffers under a burden of defeated expectations that are inflexible, and self-centered.
Do you see this? ClaudeA: My expectations are that my wife will be faithful to me as I am to her. This seems extremely reasonable to me. I would be hurt much more if I agreed to accept cheating or affairs that my wife indulges in. Everytime she allows another man to share complete sexual intimacy would tear me apart.
Call it childish if you like. The second point was that I see marriage as a contract. We both agreed to the terms. If either party wants out of the contract then bring it to the others attention. For me, I would rather be single and dating, than to be married and dating. There would be no benefit to being married For Me if we are both, or individually, dating and having sex with others. There are lots of us who feel just like Lucas. Oh right… society… Uh huh. My wife has been proposing the open marriage idea for some time now.
Even tried to get me and her friend together. I am against it. She was raped at 14 and for the first 10 years of our 12 year marriage, sex was not a big part of it. Now at 36, she feels she is over it and needs to make up for lost time, but it is not with me.
So the day to day is not very exciting. I get that she wants to feel sexy again and even though I make her feel that way, it is more exciting when a stranger makes her feel that way. It would just be sex. She has given me the veto power of any guy she meets, but what does that mean? Just seems like a recipe for the end of a marriage. It means different things to everyone, depending on the context of their own journey with self and partner — hence the age-old disputes between men and women. Thus they use porn — or other means, multiple partners, swinging etc. This is a gross generalization and I am not taking a moral stand by any means; it is a deeply personal decision and must be seen as thus.
Anyway thank you and others for your honest posts, I appreciate it very much. My partner of 22 years sprung the same thing out of the blue on me as well. This is not something one should take lightly. The real issue came when she became infatuated with a co-worker. It had to be with him, it had to be without me there, and it was going to happen with or without my permission.
She refused counselling. After weeks of negotiating with me, trying to convince me to engage in relations with a co-worker of mine, I was worn down, I capitulated and told her to go ahead. If she was willing to accept hurting me so bad and risk destroying our relationship. She went ahead. We are now separated for just over one month. It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, worse than dealing with the grief of death.
At least with death there is finality, some closure. Unless you are both truly on the same page, this is, IMHO, a very slippery slope and a very dangerous proposition. Hello Vaesali, May I ask where you are now? I am in your situation you were a year ago and considering just giving in, in hopes this will just get over with. You nailed it with the grief comment, I have felt the same way. I am grieving the loss of somebody who is sitting and telling me they love me more than anything, but will leave if I am unwilling to give them this freedom.
Have you been able to reconcile? Thank you for your time. So sorry for you brother, and I do mean that. This is what I keep saying. MOST of the time, folks in your position end up in your boat bud. It is NOT you. And you had no power in it man. And yet……….. And guess what? Hello, I am currently in a relationship with the love of my life.
She and I have been together for a littl over a year now. She was married to a man for ten years and has three amazing boys. She has communicated to me that she loves me and wants to be with me forever. A couple months ago, she told me that she had a friend who was a swinger with her husband and seemed intrigued at the idea. I was not. I have zero desire to be intimate with anyone other than her. Is that a crazy concept?!? The other aspect is that we are both women.
I never will. My partner of 9 years now wants to have an open relationship. She says that she wants to get some experience. Because life is too short. She says that is gonna be only sex nothing else. I believe that when you want to have sex it has to be love as well. She was married before, so I try to keep her happy as much as I can.
I use toys to fulfill her desire. Even though I sacrificed everything for her, I left my family and follow her in to another country. And still for her is not enough. For me even the thought of sharing her with someone else, it is really really painful. I thought that love would heal everything and it would be the road to happiness, but it seems that it hides and other emotions that are unpleasant. I guess my next step has to be on envasting to myself and learn to be happy away from her.
My wife and I have been through a rough phase. My wife wanted a divorce 8 months ago but is still thinking about it. She says that I am real dud in bed; and wants an open relationship. She knows that I love her but she wants another person. I am stressed at home marriage , work that I have and I am worried we lose our house unable to pay the mortgage. I was exhausted last week and went to the doctor and now I am on medicine for depression. If she has given you this as an ultimatum, then the answer is No.
Divorce her if need be. Ask her to show you how to please her if something is lacking. I had a similar story Vaesali. The idea of being with another man sounded so exciting. The thought of her coming home to me after a raunchy sex session with some guy and kissing me on the lips was devastating.
I get that it works for some folks but my mentality would not allow me to go there. So 3 weeks ago, she asked me to consider another sexual act that just involved us. In my mind, I was headed for divorce… quickly. I sent a methodically written note to her releasing all of my frustration and anger about the situation with next steps with our impending divorce. Drop her like a bad habit!! My best friend had the same situation. He trusted his wife and stayed with her only to find out later that she had been with several men after she promised to stay true.
Plenty of women out there!!!!!!!!!!!!! She was going to get some before you change your mind. The reality is ALL women want to sleep with other men. They are biologically programed to want this from a primal prospective. There is a LOT of research on this subject. These are professional studies done in clinical settings with serious scholars of sexuality.
Suggest you read Sperm Wars to understand why these primal desires are not weird for your wife to be experiencing. The part that I find curious is that she told you. Evidently she thinks you are more open minded towards these sexual things than you actually are. Maybe she just sees you as a mature adult who could discuss an adult desire without significant judgment.
It appears she was right about that.
QUIT playing games with her. Be honest. Be real. Say NO when the answer is NO and quit trying to set her up. As I explained above, ALL women have these desires. Your woman had enough trust and faith in your maturity to share her desires with you. If it might be a possibility with LOTS of discussion then say that. That is BS and totally immature. Why do I know all this?
Even in fantasy the thought of another man with your woman can bring out some pretty charged sexual emotions.